r/DnDGreentext

Be me, DM, had lots of drama this week, haven't had time to prep properly

Be the party, travelling from one city to another in their quest to track down information about the ancient MacGuffin

Be me, making up some random nonsense to fill the session

The road goes up a hill and then down into a dark and wooded valley

Nearly night time, find a clearing, make camp

Wolves howling in the middle distance

Storm coming in

Forebodingmaxxed atmospherecel

Wizard goes to sleep, rogue on watch, cleric praying before sleep, fighter sharpening his sword

Lightning strikes, and in the flash of light a dark figure is visible at the edge of the clearing

A deep and booming voice - "Beware, men of the farm and the book and the sword, you trespass on Nature this night!"

Fighter puts down his whetstone, rogue discretely draws his dagger, cleric puts a hand on his mace, wizard snores loudly

"Who are you" calls the fighter, "and what do you want from us?"

"I am the Rainbow Druid of the Dark Woods, and I want you to leave this place, taking your cursed artifacts of so-called civilised life with you!"

"We've done no harm here," replies the rogue, "Leave us be and we'll continue our journey in the morning."

"Not good enough!"

Lightning + thunder

"Huh? What?" the wizard is awake

"It's a gay druid or something, I dunno," rogue whispers to wizard

WTF, player of rogue, I know Pride Month is over, we don't need to segue straight into homophobia month to balance things out

Druids like balance though? Anyway, you said he was a Rainbow Druid and I'm not saying gay like it's a bad thing, good on him for living his truth

He's not gay, or shit, I dunno, maybe he is, but that's not why he's the Rainbow druid

"Behold my powers!" shouts the druid as a veritable flood of multi-coloured animals pour out of the trees

"To the fight!" shouts the fighter

Hang on, says player of cleric, what kind of animals? Is there a purple possum?

Sure

Wizard player chimes in, is there a red raccoon?

Um... roll some dice... yes, there is a red raccoon

Cleric player again, is there a black bear?

There sure is

Fighter's player, is there an orange swarm of bees?

Um... not really in the alliterative spirit, but yeah, sure

Rogue realising what's going on, is there a teal deer?

No, there is no TL/DR

Continued from part 1:

>Be me, gen 10 Ventrue and all around decent chap, Michael Hood.
>Wake up in my haven next to Prince Panhard's childer, Michaela the 2nd after an absolutely smashing Elysium
>Have the cellophane covered ritual bowl I had one of my cultists bleed into for breakfast
>Check to see if the Sabbat Venture Sheriff Quadir interrogated is still safely staked in my wine cellar
>Unlife is good
>Both I and my paramour are assaulted by are own shadows, because a Nephandus mage asked me for my vitae and I said no
>Bugger.png
>Didn't know he was Nephandus at the time
>Didn't think he was that petty
>My windows are exploding and my shadow is attempting to paralyze me
>Suspect the mage has a proxy nearby
>Call my hitman buddy, Mr. Woods
>Hangs up as soon as he hears ''mage''
>My door's disappeared
>Eventually figure out the bastard's used my own home CCTV as the proxy for his powers
>Put a .38 through my computer's hard drive
>Nothing
>Start shooting my cameras
>That did it
>Michaela is quite fond of the occult, as am I
>Decide to invite my cult to her haven. Everybody loves a good guest speaker. Plus I wanted to show off. Plus I was hungry
>Immediately bungle it and drain one of my adepts dry
>15 years of flawless feeding, gone
>My cults members had all gone on to positions of prestige and power. My teachings had genuinely elevated them
>I had resisted every temptation and build something good for a change
>I had watched Gabriel, who's drained body I held go from a shy and insecure teenager to a flourishing young man with the world at his feet
>Oh, right. I was a monster that bargained away his eternal soul
>Pic related:

>Michaela graciously helps me clean my mess
>I spend the next several hours tracking down the various members of my cult and removing the memory from their minds
>Get news from a private I - he's found out where the mage, one John Weiruss is currently residing in
>Overcome with cold, murderous rage
>Call Reginald, my Gangrel coterie mate, who's been descending into frenzy more and more lately.
>I suspect he knows that his humanity is on it's last legs
>I certainly do. I pitch the idea of hunting an evil mage to him on the grounds that if one is to descend into the wassail, the final frenzy, then it is better to do so in the company of the cruel and wicked as opposed to the innocent
>Shameless manipulation on my part, but he agrees
>We dig up and revive the Nosferatu spy we captured, staked and buried near my Long-Island ranch
>Manipulate him into helping me, lie that we're just hunting down a Tremere, promise him that he's released from the boon he clearly owes me for sparring his unlife.
>I know full well I am becoming the worst and most vicious version of myself once again.
>I care not
>A Nephandus is something supremely evil and destructive. To kill such a thing is righteous.
>Its redemption
>What are the lives of three bloodsuckers in comparison to that?

Alright, let me tell you about what happened at D&D a few weeks ago. Our usual DM cancelled due to coursework commitments (the real BBEG, scheduling) leaving us without a DM.

So I volunteered to run a oneshot.

The players arrived expecting a regular game of D&D when instead I gave them statblocks for Commoners with the following requests: Give them a name, give them a job.

What followed was rather chaotic and possibly one of my best nights as a DM to date. I'll introduce the starter crew and then new commoners as necessary (read: as the starter crew die off).

• Humperdink - Loveable closeted Himbo

• Opal - The Jeweler

• Hazel - The old lady

• Luz - The Baker

• Jerry - A regular tax guy

• Delia - The gardener

The quest premise was simple enough, the residents of Bonington (pronounced Bone-in-tonne) built their village next to an old crypt, as villagers are wanton to do. Well, it being a crypt in a non descript medieval fantasy setting, many a skelliton had made their way out of the crypt and the villagers were fed up of waiting around for adventurers to help and took it upon themselves to deal with the Emperor of bones.

Their first challenge, was the locked door to the crypt. The door had a higher AC and hp than the individual commoners, but unlike the commoners, could not fight back. Humperdink started initiative off, by kicking the door, hurting his foot... as old Hazel attempted to reason with the door, checking to see if it was locked... it was... Luz the baker hammered away at the door with his rolling pin. This was all in vein as Jerry apparently carped a bit too much diem and got a nat 20 breaking the door open as he effortlessly slid down the newly revealed staircase.

So, encounter 1 down, no casualties.

In the first proper room of the dungeon, an owlbear emerged from the gloom of the tomb, angry at being disturbed, it attacked the commoners (A/N : Don't ask how the owlbear got there, I don't know it was a prewritten module).

Delia, who was suspiciously absent having initiative below Jerry went first, failing to hit the owlbear... before immediately getting mauled to death. She literally turned up did nothing and died for it, I'm sure there's a metaphor there... Anyway, in that same turn Hazel, mistook the Owlbear for her cat and was similarly chewed upon as the rest of the party began to fight the owlbear, other than Humperdink who shat himself and ran off screaming further into the dungeon.

Delia and Hazel were replaced by Hilda (the LumberJack) and Susan (The medicine woman). They entered the dungeon, Susan who the players decided was in an on and off again relationship with Hazel saw the owlbear, proceeded to do a Humperdink and run off screaming into the dungeon... tripping a trap Humperdink had somehow managed to avoid and immediately getting turned into slurry by a series of magic missles (A/N : There was no-one else near her at the time, they all had to hit her).

Meanwhile, Hilda attempted to get the party to follow her into the dungeons after Humperdink, but was ignored as the townsfolk continued to beat on the owlbear. (Mob mentality?)

Said Owlbear proceeded to try and attack Jerry, and rolled a nat 1, his follow-up bite attack however did not, killing Luz the baker. Hilda and Luz the Baker were in turn replaced by Derek (the town drunk) and Ash (the animal tamer) why the village needed an animal tamer, I don't know. (A/N : It was at this point that the players started getting invested in their commoners, Derek and Ash were decided to be Opal's Brothers).

Derek approached the Owlbear, wanting to pet the dog... and was then immediately mauled to death. The Owlbear tried to swipe at Jerry but new guy Ash stepped in and between the player being incredibly lucky when rolling for his health and the Owlbear being incredibly unlucky with damage, somehow Ash survived. Derek was replaced by Amelia the village beauty, who upon seeing the owlbear, decided "nah, I'm good" chasing after Hilda deeper into the dungeon. Amelia and Hilda will here after be referred to as the LumberJanes (I didn't come up with this, the players decided they were secret lovers), eitherway we'll pick back up with the Adventure of the LumberJanes later on. Now, aside from the numerous dead, the commoners had actually been doing relatively well against the Owlbear, the following turn Jerry, once again demonstrating he was the main character killed the Owlbear bringing his kill count to 2/2. Following the Owlbear, the Party stood:

• Humperdink the himbo

• Opal the jeweller

• Jerry the tax collector (totally not the main character)

• Ash the animal tamer (Opal's brother)

And...

• Hilda (LumberJane)

• Amelia (Village beauty).

The party met up, sans Hilda and Amelia. It was at this point things started changing for Jerry, with his new found confidence, both Humperdink and Opal began to fawn over his heroism. They kickdown an unlocked door, revealing a room covered in cobwebs Jerry leads the way in, with more weirdly high rolls he avoided getting caught in the cobwebs, Opal was less lucky, as she got caught in the webs. The spiders who made said webs were less than happy about this, swarming from under them and attacking the village idiots... They swarmed the party, biting at them, unfortunately, the previously wounded ash, did not stand a chance and died whilst Opal cried for her dead brother. In all though, the spiders didn't stand a chance and it wasn't long before they were dispatched.

(A/N : it feels important to note, that once again, Jerry dealt the finishing blow).

With Ash now dead, Eddie, Opal's father and the village librarian who was apparently 2 days away from retirement joined the team... given what's happened to the rest of her family so far, I'm sure he will make it to retirement.

After bravely vanquishing the spiders they found themselves in a locked room, with a portcullis on the far side. This room was meant to be a puzzle room... and whilst the players are independently very smart, collectively they had the intelligence stats of the commoners. So what was supposed to be an easy puzzle ended up with them brute forcing their way through... Now finally, there they stood, the villagers of Bonington opposite the great and powerful Emperor of Bones and his hoard of skellitons (3 Skellitons). A combination of the emperor winning initiative and hearing the villagers approach, allowed the Emperor to cast Mirror image on himself, before secluding both himself and his skellitons in a fog cloud.

Meanwhile... I mentioned before that we would return to the LumberJanes, they carried on down the tunnel past the slurry that was once Susan. There they found the long dead remains of an adventurer wielding two swords, so of course now, each of them wielded a sword... Turning the corner on their passageway, they find themselves in a Treasure Room.

Despite not getting involved in any of the actual combat in this dungeon, the Janes had found their way into the Emperor's Vault, acquiring a spellbook, a wand of secrets and 10gp - more money than either of them had seen in their entire life. With the gold now making them the richest commoners in the village, the Janes admitted their feelings to one another, before carrying on further into the dungeon through a fissure in the dungeon wall.

Through this fissure, the Janes now enter the Emperor's chamber, seeing the other villagers lead by Humperdink and Eddie charging into the fog cloud. Humperdink charged into the fog, eager to prove himself for Jerry, swinging at a figure in the fog missing As Eddie followed him in, also attacking a figure in the fog, hitting... Humperdink. (A/N : This one, I do feel a bit bad about the himbo did nothing wrong, but dice fell how dice fell and unfortunately for H'dink that resulted in his death).

Jerry and Opal skirted around the fog killing two of the skellitons they both rolled rather well, with Jerry somehow securing his third Nat 20 of the session and well, bludgeoning weapon + Enemy vulnerable to bludgeoning = dead skellitons.

As the fog cleared Eddie was cut down by the remaining skelliton, before being avenged by Hilda and Amelia, leaving only the Emperor of Bones... With both Eddie and Humperdink now dead, the Gravedigger and his wife entered the dungeon, mostly to collect the dead... Reginald and Clarissa.

They arrive at the chamber, just in time to see the four remaining commoners all curbstomping the emperor of bones into the floor. With the emperor dead, the party leaves the dungeon, the three happy couples...

Authors note: It feels important for me to say, this was possibly one of the funniest and most bizarre sessions of D&D I have ever ran. The wooden door they broke open to get into the dungeon, had a higher AC than any of the enemies within, Throughout whenever I had enemies target Jerry, they missed. The initial Owlbear took out more of the commoners than the BBEG of the dungeon, and whilst that was mostly down to poor rolls on my part, it was also due to the BBEG's vulnerability to being bludgeoned. I don't think I've explained in enough detail how many lucky rolls Jerry got throughout the session, he was more often than not on the frontline and somehow in most cases dealt the finishing blow.

Thank-you for reading, I hope you enjoy the rest of your day